


Honestly, Pepper

by LBibliophile



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Accidental Hulk-out, Avengers Family, BAMF Natasha Romanov, Bingo Fill, Ceiling Vent Clint Barton, Ceiling Vent HYDRA, Crack, Dialogue-Only, Disaster Avengers, Domestic Avengers, Dummy's fire extinguisher, For Want of a Nail, Gen, Hulk Gets a Hug, Improvised weapons, Lightning and Electronics Don't Mix, Non-Linear Narrative, Pepper Potts Is So Done, Pepper's Giant Bunny (IM3), Tony Stark Bingo 2019
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-11
Updated: 2019-05-11
Packaged: 2020-03-01 00:14:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 963
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18789139
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LBibliophile/pseuds/LBibliophile
Summary: Pepper Potts, CEO and sometimes superhero-wrangler, walks out of the elevator onto the Avengers Tower common-floor and stops in shock. How is this even her life? And why is she not surprised?Written for the Tony Stark Bingo 2019, S4 – Writing format: non-linear.





	Honestly, Pepper

**Author's Note:**

> This was inspired by a Harry Potter fic, [Honestly Headmaster](https://www.fanfiction.net/s/3191147/1/Honestly-Headmaster) by Meteoricshipyards.

_Pepper Potts, CEO and sometimes superhero-wrangler, walks out of the elevator onto the Avengers Tower common-floor and stops in shock. How is this even her life? And why is she not surprised?_  

* * *

 “Tony! What is this  _mess_? I was only gone for three days.”

 “Honestly, Pepper, it’s not my fault. And the first two and a half days were fine.”

 “Then what is… how… Why do you have the Iron Man gauntlet?”

 “Honestly, Pepper, you can’t expect me to make do with cutlery when I have a better alternative available. Still, I have to admit, I never realised just how many sharp objects we had in our kitchen. Clint, on the other hand, apparently knows exactly how many, and decided to give us a demonstration. Turns out his aim is just as good without a bow. The same can’t be said for Steve, however, vibranium definitely holds up to his fighting style better than steel saucepan lids. It’s probably lucky for our kitchen implements that Natasha showed up when she did. Seriously, the Black Widow, in pink pyjamas and fluffy socks, armed with only a teaspoon—I’ve never seen anything more terrifying. I reckon the HYDRA agents must have agreed, because things calmed down pretty quickly after that. They almost offered to tie themselves up.”

 “How did HYDRA agents end up in the Tower!?”

 “Honestly, Pepper, who could have expected that they’d find a way to climb up 80 floors through the air vents? There’s a reason it’s not included in JARVIS’ security protocols; not even Clint goes more than a few floors down. Of course, they weren’t anticipating just how thoroughly he would defend what territory he _has_ claimed. With a creative mind, apparently there are all sorts of traps you can leave for the unwary, all without significantly disrupting the airflow. They did pretty well at avoiding them—that’s how they got as far as they did—but someone must have lost focus when the bunny exploded and tripped something. I’m not sure who was more startled by the agents suddenly dropping from the ceiling; them or us.”

 “Bunny… exploded?”

 “Oh, not a real rabbit; the giant stuffed one I got you. Honestly, Pepper, it was the cutest thing—Jarvis took photos for later. Well, Hulk decided that smash wasn’t needed and he wasn’t in the mood for it anyway. So when he saw the bunny over in the corner, he made a b-line and grabbed for it. I’ll admit I was worried for a moment, but he just sat himself down and started hugging the metaphorical stuffing out of it. Seeing the two of them together, Hulk looked so much like a happy, cute, green toddler. Kinda forgot how big he is. Then he started playing and making the rabbit hop around—I wonder where Hulk learned about rabbits jumping? Of course, while the rabbit might be Hulk-sized, the room isn’t. So one time the bunny jumped too high, and hit the ceiling fan; fan 1, bunny 0, and stuffing spread all across the room. On second thoughts, maybe it was Hulk flattening the fan in retaliation that knocked the HYDRA agents loose; everything got a bit chaotic around then.”

 “But, why was the Hulk even out?”

 “Honestly, Pepper, that’s probably Dummy’s fault, but he was just trying to do his job. I had him out of the lab because I wanted to see how his new wheels handled on carpet. But you know how excited he gets over his fire extinguisher. So when he saw the fire, he might have gotten a _tiny_ bit over-enthusiastic trying to put it out. Hence, the foam everywhere. And Brucie-bear might have been sitting a little too close and gotten whacked over the back of the head with the canister. Then turned and gotten a face full of foam. But Hulk realised really quickly that it was just an accident, and Dummy’s only slightly dented, so everyone’s fine.”

 “Hmm. And just what was on fire?”

 “Don’t look at me like that. Honestly Pepper, it was just Thor trying to make breakfast. Only, you know what he’s like. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen anyone who can mangle scrambled eggs that badly; even I can make a passable omelette! And don't get me started on his battles with the toaster. He tries, but he just gets so frustrated. And when you have a frustrated god of thunder around a bunch of electronics, well… that’s why the kitchen is one of the areas with its own fire suppression system. Except, apparently it didn’t go off this morning. I know I borrowed the sensor element for testing one of my projects last week, but I could have sworn I put it back in. I’ll have to check once we finish clearing the rubble. Otherwise, I suppose it might still be buried down in the workshop…”

 “So let me get this straight. Thor set his breakfast on fire. So Dummy tried to put it out, and ended up setting off the Hulk. Who decided to play with my stuffed rabbit and destroyed it with the ceiling fan. Then HYDRA agents fell out of the roof and were fought off with cutlery and Natasha’s glare. Have I missed anything?”

 “I don’t think so… wait! You might want to avoid the pantry for the next few hours. We stashed the HYDRA agents there until SHIELD can come pick them up.”

 “I’m not even… Fine. So, out of all that, what is this red stain on the carpet? I know it’s not blood… and I hate that my life is such that I can tell that at a glance.”

 “Stain? Aw, someone squished my strawberries. I wanted to give you a welcome home present.”

 “You got me  _strawberries? AGAIN?_ ”

 “… sorry.”

**Author's Note:**

> I know that Pepper’s giant bunny was at the Malibu house, and was most likely destroyed when the house blew up. But either they were able to retrieve it, or someone got a replacement. The image of the Hulk hugging it was too cute to resist.


End file.
